


Desiderium

by starrysehun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Best Friends, Coma, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, No Happy Ending Fest, Unhappy Ending, mutual pining??, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22909360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrysehun/pseuds/starrysehun
Summary: Desiderium(n):an ardent longing, as for something lost.Where Sehun yearns to see Jongin again, after nine years and he wishes he had been brave for once.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 15
Kudos: 38
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2019





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lordkrisdemort](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordkrisdemort/gifts).



> **Prompt #:** Self-prompt  
>  **Prompt:** A misses B a lot. And he wants to find him and confess.  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Oh Sehun/Kim Jongin.  
>  **Side Characters(if any):** Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun, Kim Junmyeon, OCs  
>  **Word count:** 17,584  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional Tag(s):** angst, best friends to lover, major character death, accidents, coma, minor side pairing, slight mentions of homophobia, mutual-pining??  
>  **Author's note:** First of all let me thank the mods, who have been really understanding because this time I really was a disappointment TT from dropping a prompt and writing for a self prompt to asking for extensions. But I am really happy that I was able to write for my favourite fic fest for the second time and i really hope there are many more rounds in the future.
> 
> Secondly to my dear sweet beta reader J, if it isn't for you this would been a mess. Thank you for helping me through this.
> 
> To each and every one of my friends, especially Jenny and Vinu, thank you for having my back and for your encouraging words that I am indebted for. 
> 
> To my irl friend Jo, who keep on pushing me to write everyday (I have been a mess these last days I know) I would have given up if it weren't you and your assurance. You trust me more than I do.
> 
> And my dear, kind May, whose words are the most beautiful, whose heart is soft and sad at the same time, this fic is for you. I wanted to write so much pain and heartaches and tears but I lack at so many things. I hope I didn't disappoint you much :') this sekai is close to my heart because every part of this fic is written with you in my mind, wondering if you would like this. I hope you do, even if it's for a teeny bit. I am sorry if this sucks a big time. I love you so much. Please be happy, you deserve it. 
> 
> Lastly, my dear readers who are willing to give this fic a chance, thank you and sorry in advance. 
> 
> Playlist:  
> [Timepiece — Onew](https://youtu.be/pfaf3_jGP08)  
> [Dancing With Your Ghost — Sasha Sloan](https://open.spotify.com/track/1TQXIltqoZ5XXyfCbAeSQQ?si=xitNi0_8SOacV-3Y30OV9g)  
> [My Answer — Exo](https://open.spotify.com/track/6h5BRbxxRnEbbwUsM2vzhO?si=HD8R53IjTPiyDiQwMpKGIQ)  
> [Back In Time — Lyn](https://open.spotify.com/track/1Cmz1xRY4t4HLSwBdKTQgV?si=PYOwmCseSwCvMISRX_eVwA)  
> [Time Lapse — Taeyeon](https://open.spotify.com/track/5xHSzEHkbQSc5n4ATBv1du?si=QRHAMkSTT9qLUYKApFffNg)  
> [Auditory Hallucination — Jang Jane](https://youtu.be/I7LeFyNmJxc)

It was supposed to be an ordinary day for Oh Sehun. Like any other day. 

Only it wasn’t.

Sehun would have been walking home if Jongin hadn’t told him to wait for him. Their evening study sessions usually ended at 7, taking almost all their time together. It was half past seven and Sehun found himself sitting half hungry and cold.

He was waiting for Jongin who went to buy food for both of them. It was one of their hangout places, the tteokbokki stall they usually frequented when they had to comfort each other with something. It was mostly about studies—if one of them had a long day, they would just drag the other asking to buy him tteokbokki. As it was Jongin who wanted to eat tteokbokki all of a sudden, Sehun wondered if Jongin’s day was tiring as his.

Despite studying in the same school and being in their final year, they didn’t talk much at school. But the moment they left school, the world was theirs. They walked home together as they both live close, only a few blocks separating them. It had been more than ten years of friendship that was still going on.

The wind blew carrying a hint of chillness and Sehun leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes letting the wind take away his exhaustion. When he opened his eyes, they met with Jongin’s. There was a small, fond smile on his face and Sehun felt his heart tickle at that youthful smile. He looked down at the two tteokbokki servings Jongin bought for them—one sans the chili flakes because Jongin couldn't take too much spice whereas Sehun loved it spicy. When he was already sitting across him, Sehun noticed a red stain on his white uniform shirt, in the middle, small but obvious. 

Sehun snorted, "good luck with your mom, dude." Jongin just shrugged his shoulders. 

“Let’s eat while it’s hot,” Jongin told him, as he mixed the _gojuchang_ sauce well with the rice cakes. Sehun watched him do that until he felt too hungry and hollered at him to do it quickly.

While eating, Sehun waited for Jongin to say something. But all Jongin did was to steal glances at him and look away when Sehun looked up at him. A habit Jongin had grown recently. It was almost infuriating to Sehun. But today, Jongin looked off about something.

"What's wrong?" Sehun finally asked him.

Jongin paused, chewing for a second. Then he smiled a bit at him but Sehun could notice the smile wasn't the carefree one he was used to. There was really something Jongin wasn't telling him.

"Do you want to talk about something?" Sehun tried again, now placing his chopsticks down. Seeing him do that must have made Jongin taken aback. He looked lost but eventually he heaved out a sigh, less agitated than before but that didn't relieve Sehun's growing worries.

Then Jongin decided to speak. "I have decided to come out to my family." Then the nervous smile was back. As if he's afraid of what Sehun's reaction would be.

For Sehun though, it took a whole minute to understand what Jongin was implying.

"Oh," was all he managed to blurt. His heart went berserk all of a sudden and Jongin's smile became unbearable. 

Sehun was the first one Jongin came out to. Honestly, Sehun didn't expect Jongin to come out to him, out of all people he could have. Chanyeol, their senior friend, was gay and he was very open about it. Jongin could have told him first. But no, he chose Sehun to be the first one to know. Wasn't he afraid of how Sehun might react? Wasn't he scared? Did he trust Sehun that much to expect him not to feel baffled?

In the end, Sehun learnt that Jongin just trusted him a lot. That fact overwhelmed him more than anything. Honestly Sehun wouldn’t trust even himself. 

"Don't stay quiet. I am panicking here. Do you think it's a good idea?" asked Jongin, as he bit his lower lip and for sure, he would be shaking his right leg the entire time because that's what he always did when he's anxious.

"Honestly, I don't know?" He struggled to hide the shiver in his voice. He hated it, hated how he felt inside. His thoughts were improper at that moment. "Do you think it's a good idea?"

Trust Jongin to start a conversation on something like this and make Sehun go crazy. He would have liked a warning at least. Sehun was unprepared.

"I have to tell them sometime though. Why shouldn't it be now?" Jongin answered with another question. "If you are worrying if it could go wrong, remember how nervous I was with you but then it went really smooth. You never know what the result will be unless you take the blow," he rambled but again, he must have been nervous.

_Smooth my ass._ The day Jongin came out to him, Sehun didn't sleep a blink.

Sehun looked away from Jongin, not wanting to see that expression on his friend's face. That hopeful face. Too much hope wouldn't really do good. Eventually, he said, "It's not that I think it's a bad idea…" he trailed off, looking at Jongin again, "Can I ask you something? How… How did you know? That...you are gay."

Jongin was supposed to react surprised at that question. Or offended at least. But instead, he sighed, looking relieved and he smiled fondly and kindly. _As if he knew what Sehun was thinking._

Could he possibly know? Sometimes he looked at Sehun like _he really knew what’s in his mind._ Like Sehun was a piece of cake to read. 

"You'll just know, Sehun. How could you not know who you are?"

His words were simple. It was just an answer but the way Jongin looked straight to his eyes and said them, Sehun felt as if they mauled his masquerade. His palms started sweating and he felt uncomfortable facing Jongin.

Was Jongin teasing him or was he being serious? Why couldn’t Sehun know Jongin as much as Jongin knew him? 

"Aren't you afraid, Jongin? About coming out to your family?" Sehun didn't want to do that. But still he wanted to believe that Jongin doesn’t think further about anything. "Would they accept this?"

Because most parents wouldn't. Society wouldn't. Sehun would accept Jongin because Jongin is his friend and well, he loved him. Unconditionally. No one knew how much he loved the other. He would never let anyone know. It would be a mess if anyone knew. Even his cousin Junmyeon, the person who was like a brother, didn't know and honestly he would be the last person he would tell. He once heard him say that _there are some abnormal people out there_. Even Chanyeol, who had always been a good friend, the one who might understand him; he wouldn’t let anyone know about his heart. 

But people other than Sehun, would they accept Jongin loving another man?

Jongin shook his head. "I don't really know, Sehun. I hope they do."

"What if they don't?" Sehun couldn't help but ask. Jongin would be hurt, and that would hurt Sehun too.

As if Jongin couldn't see the obvious problem, he smiled too bright, too hopeful. "They will. If not now, someday they will."

Maybe because he was tense himself, he didn't notice how Jongin went back to his calm composure. He even continued eating.

Sehun lost his appetite. He said he didn't want to eat the rest of it so they started cleaning up their place. Sehun refused when Jongin asked him if he wanted anything to drink. His throat was dry as paper but he wanted to go home.

"Let's just go home now," Sehun persisted. Despite nodding to that, Jongin was walking slowly, as if he was enjoying the walk. Maybe he really did, after deciding to let out his secret to his parents. One must feel light after letting out something that big; something that’s important— _something that’s real about them_. But for Sehun, something inside his chest was weighing him down. Because he didn’t know how it would feel to come out to anyone important to him. 

He felt light headed and Jongin wasn’t helping at all. Out of habit, he threw his arm over Sehun loosely. That touch burned. Sehun didn’t know whether it was because of what Jongin said earlier but it didn’t feel right. _How could you not know who you are?_ He shrugged him off and attempted to walk faster. But Jongin was Jongin.

He threw his arm over Sehun’s lean shoulder and held on so tight that Sehun couldn’t escape him. Oh the irony.

“What’s the rush, Oh Sehun? Isn’t the sky so pretty today?” Jongin chuckled as he looked up, Sehun mirroring him. “We should enjoy a walk at peaceful times like this, shouldn’t we?”

It was peaceful. Sure. If only Jongin knew how Sehun felt inside. 

Sehun scoffed, getting irritated. Jongin and his pretty sky. He wasn’t in the mood to appreciate the view. He felt as if he would combust anytime because of his inner conflicts. He wanted to be away from him—free from Jongin (which wasn’t that easy as all he thought about was Jongin). “It looks ordinary. Like any other time,” he retorted and tried to shrug Jongin away but Jongin was adamant enough not to give him space.

He stretched his hand to the sky he called pretty and Sehun’s gaze followed, not missing how pretty Jongin’s bead bracelet looked (just like his own) not even aware that they stopped walking. With their heads up, and Jongin’s outstretched hand, they stood under the dark horizon laden with shimmering stars. It was silent and they stared at it, enraptured by its tranquility.

“Say Sehunnie, isn’t your heart calm now?” As he turned to take a look at Sehun, who was still looking up, he smiled widely and a little bit in love —which Sehun pretended to miss. "Now tell me what's bothering you? There's something you're not telling me too."

Sehun felt his anxiety loosening up and found himself relaxing under Jongin's touch. After all, with Jongin alone he felt safe, probably the first reason why he fell for him. Jongin made him feel safe. "I am worried about you. What if you get hurt in the future?" He unconsciously leaned a bit into Jongin and Jongin moved closer, making it a half hug. “What if things don’t turn out the way you want to?”

What if his parents didn't take this well? He had the heart of a child— _so pure and innocent_. If the people he cared about don't take it well, what would he do?

Jongin might have leaned in more but Sehun didn't want to know. He just focused on how Jongin's voice dropped down as if he's giving out a secret.

"Don't worry about me, Sehun-ah. I don't care about the world. My family won't hate me for something like this. And the guy I like," he paused to take in a breath. Sehun looked at him, his fingertips going numb almost immediately. "As long as he stays by my side, I am willing to stand against this world."

Jongin was looking ahead of them, with a determined stance and Sehun’s eyes were on him, sad. Jongin’s words were supposed to console him but on the contrary, they made him feel the other way. 

_I will tell you about him on the day we get our CSAT results, Oh Sehun._ He would say.

Jongin didn't speak of him often but when he did, he made sure to show how much he loves him. Why did Sehun feel anxious? It's because of the fact that he knew who that guy was. Too well.

How can he not know when he could see the answer in Jongin's eyes? It's painfully obvious with the way Jongin looked at him. And those fond gazes, all those sweet gestures, all those lovely smiles. How could Sehun not know? It was Jongin after all. Jongin whom he knew too well.

"Say Sehun," Jongin called him out, now looking straight into his eyes, "don’t we live only once? Why should we waste time pretending to be who we are not?"

There was a sharp jab inside his chest, as if icy hands grabbed his heart and seized it. Feeling a little short on breath, he looked away from Jongin first. His gaze was… _intimidating_ ; as if accusing him of being not honest with his feelings.

It was unfair. Jongin was being unfair.

"Whatever, I wanna go home," was all Sehun could say but he wasn't even aware how shaky he sounded. He couldn't hear himself. It was too much. Jongin was selfish.

Jongin could be all brave and courageous. But it annoyed Sehun how he knowingly or unknowingly jabbed Sehun about it whenever he could. For not being honest to himself. What if Sehun liked Jongin that way too, but wasn't as brave as Jongin? Did that make Sehun a hopeless coward? Sehun couldn't help but ransack his mind for answers he knew too well. He was a fucking coward and he knew it. Jongin didn’t have to rub it on his face.

What made him mad the most was how Jongin was trying hard to be brave for both of them.

He didn't see Jongin's frown. He didn't see his face at all. He couldn't. He didn’t want to. He was full of shame and anger.

He didn't wait till Jongin got the message. He separated himself from his friend's hold and started walking. Jongin was silent. Maybe he couldn't process what was going on. Good thing, Sehun could escape him. He needed to be away from him. So that he could think. Maybe he should stay home tomorrow. Maybe ten days. 

Sehun quickened his pace when crossing the road to get to the bus stop on the other side. He was not going to walk. He might have heard Jongin calling him but didn't pay heed to him. One of the biggest mistakes he had made in his life.

The next moment, all he heard was a blaring horn, screeching tires and Jongin screaming his name. Jongin’s voice echoed loud in his eardrums, and then a blinding white light. He couldn't feel himself at all after that. He couldn't feel Jongin's touch nor could he hear his cries as he hugged Sehun into his chest, making his white uniform turn crimson. Sehun felt the stabbing pain at the back of his head and realised that the crimson was nothing but his own blood.

Seeing Jongin's shirt drenched in his blood, he couldn't think about anything else. The gojuchang stain wasn't as obvious as before. With Sehun's blood all over.

"Your m-mother… won't scold…" It was difficult to speak, his throat was burning up. He felt like he was dying. But if he’s going to die, he didn’t want to die as a coward. He had something heavy to lift off from his heart. "Jongin," he gasped.

That was the last word he spoke before he passed out. His grip on Jongin's shirt was tighter until the moment the doctors pried it away to take him into the emergency room.

_It was supposed to be an ordinary day._


	2. One

_ Sehun...  _

He hears it once. 

Then he hears it again. 

_ Wake up, Sehun-ah.  _

Then a shrill cry follows that voice and startles him to open his eyes. The cry, it isn't unfamiliar—that had been the last thing he heard before he gave in to the black nothingness.

Jongin's voice.

His eyes hurt and feel annoyingly sticky. That’s the first thing he realises. It takes a little time to adjust to his sight and to notice the white ceiling. Not his room. The ceiling is not too bright to hurt his eyes yet his eyes stings a bit as he moves his moves them. A fit of coughing follows making his chest hurt. Then slowly his whole body aches as the numbness dissipates. His head hurts the most. As if he's sleeping on needles that pierces deep through his skull. He unconsciously lets out an inaudible grunt.

He tries to move his head to his left. But he can’t. He tries rolling his eyes to his farthest left and they catch the sight of closed windows that let the light pass through the glass, the pretty yellow curtains allowing a decent amount of light, enough for the room to be able to see.

He thinks. _Accident._ He had an accident. He must be in the hospital then. That explains why the room smells of disinfectants. Sehun doesn’t like it. 

He hears rustling of paper and a low gasp from his right.

With much difficulty, he tries to see what’s on his right, realizing that the pain is less than before. But the realization gets replaced by confusion when he sees a nurse gaping at him with wide eyes. She comes closer to the bed to inspect him?? His eyes fall on her name tag and it reads HeeJin. 

"Wait a minute there. I will call the doctor—" she stutters, and almost drops the papers she's holding, "just lie down there. Don't do anything. I'll be back!" With that she disappears. Sehun does what he has been asked to and honestly, he feels too tired to even move. The pain in his head subsides a little, it hurts when he moves his eyes but it becomes more bearable than before.

He tries to move his hand but he cannot. Not even an inch. How many hours has he been in this bed for his body to ache like that?

He hears murmurs he can't quite catch but few words here and there. Awake. Finally. Treatment. Sedatives. Other than that he doesn't understand anything. Does that mean the treatment isn't over yet? His father must have called a day off just for Sehun’s sake. Sehun wishes his father hadn't done that. Sehun is awake now. 

He sees two doctors looming over at him and one of them is shorter than the other, who looks as if he would cry any moment when Sehun catches his eyes. The said doctor rushes to his side and holds his hand.

"How are you feeling now?" His voice is shaky.

Sehun feels odd. He expects to see his father or Jongin, the one he last saw. Or Chanyeol. Or even Junmyeon who is in the army. To be there and cry for the trouble Sehun had caused. He doesn't expect this stranger to be the first one to come to his side. Did the doctor mistake him for someone else? Or did Sehun wake up in another person’s body? It doesn't make sense to him. But his body does feel weird as if he is in someone’s body.

Sehun doesn't know that man. Still he shakes his head. He tries but in vain, opens his mouth to attempt talking but his throat feels hoarse and dry. The doctor shakes his head, muttering that it is okay and shushes him. He calls him Sehun which leads to more mess in Sehun's head. The doctor looks at the other one and tells him something that Sehun fails to catch. Maybe his mind isn't as awake as Sehun is.

"Call Junmyeon first," Sehun hears the doctor say and his body relaxes at the mention of his cousin.

"J-Junmyeon," he croaks out. He doesn't even sound like himself. It only scares him more. His eyes water for no reason and he feels the doctor squeezing his hands. And unlike before, it feels warm and safe. It might be because of the way he called his name—with so much familiarity and the tone of fondness. Sehun feels like he has heard it countless times.

"Yes, Junmyeon would be here soon." The doctor places a hand on his cheek and Sehun sees his eyes glazing. "Just sleep now, if you want."

Sehun doesn't want to sleep. Not until he sees Junmyeon. But how can Junmyeon be there? Isn't he in the military?

Surely there's something wrong.

The nurses are buzzing here and there, to change the IVs and he gets injected once by Heejin. He sees the doctor who has been beside him from the moment he woke up call someone as he inhales deeply.

"Chanyeol," he calls the person on the other side. Sehun moves his eyes to him. The doctor looks into his eyes as his smile gets wider and he wipes his tears before it could escape his eyes. "He's awake, our Sehunnie."

It is the Chanyeol he knows. Sehun realises. And  _ Sehunnie? _

"Yes—" the doctor says into the phone, "we will check him soon and we have called Junmyeon hyung. He's on his way— _ yes _ . I just—Do you want to talk to him?” A pause. “Just talk, okay?"

And the phone is being pressed into his ears and the doctor's encouraging whispers to talk to him, Sehun opens his mouth to talk.

"C-Chanyeol hyung?" He calls out unsure. For some reason, he's scared. He hears a sigh. Then comes Chanyeol's shaky voice.

"Yah Oh Sehun... Are you awake?"

Sehun just hums. He feels weird. The idea of something being wrong from the start bothers him.

"I am f-feeling strange," he tries and stammers. The doctor says that it is okay and to take it easy. "Something's wrong with me."

"Sehun-ah, hyung will come to see you as soon as possible. Just listen to what Junmyeon hyung and Baekhyun say, will you? It—It'll be alright."

Sehun senses it. Something wrong in Chanyeol's voice. But he's sure that's Chanyeol. He's scared. He doesn't even know who Baekhyun is.

"I am scared," he tells him. He couldn't help the sob that escapes his lips and the doctor panics, withdrawing the phone from his ears.

The doctor says something to him but he doesn't hear. Something is wrong with him. He cannot move at all.

He hears Junmyeon before he sees him.

“Sehun?”

But when Sehun sees Junmyeon, his fear only escalates. So wrong.

Junmyeon reaches out to him but Sehun flinches away. "Sehun, it's me. Junmyeon."

He is Junmyeon. But he isn't the Junmyeon Sehun knows. Or the one he last met on his 17th birthday because Junmyeon was enlisting in the military. Junmyeon couldn't be there. He shouldn’t be here.

But still, he is standing in front of him. Not the 20 year old Junmyeon he last saw. But much older Junmyeon.

“Hyung…” Sehun calls out but it comes out as a sob. "Hyung," this time, it comes as a scream.

Junmyeon doesn't waste his time standing there. He is by Sehun's side the next moment and the doctor stands aside, his feature morphing into panic too.

"Sehun, listen. You have to calm down first," Junmyeon whispers to him but Sehun only shakes his head with much difficulty as he pulls his hands out of Junmyeon's grasp. He doesn’t know how he does that. 

“What is happening to me?” He lets himself cry. He sees Junmyeon shaking too. But he needs answers.

“Sehun!” Junmyeon raises his voice to make Sehun listen to him when he repeatedly asks the same question.  _ What's wrong with me? _ "Calm down first. I'll tell you only if you calm down first."

He talks to him in a way one talks to babies, something Sehun was used to. It would be annoying most of the time. But not this time.

"What is happening to me..." He repeats weakly for which Junmyeon worries over his lower lip.

"Don't panic because you are alright now. And remember that’s what matters the most." The Junmyeon Sehun used to know is never serious. At least with Sehun he isn't.

"You had an accident that day, remember?"

Sehun nods but his sobs only grow louder. The accident must have happened yesterday. Or two days. He isn't calming down. He sees the doctor alertly calling for Junmyeon but his cousin ignores him.

"You were hurt badly..." Junmyeon says, feeling Sehun's hand in his going rigid.

"Is that why I feel strange?" Asks Sehun between his cries. Hot tears escape as he waits for an answer. "You—You look different."

Junmyeon looks troubled at that question. What was so hard to explain? He looks at the doctor for help. The doctor hesitates a little.

Eventually he starts to speak, "Apparently, the hit resulted in a severe brain injury that...you went into coma."

The room goes silent. Sehun breath hitches behind his throat and he takes time to process what he said. He fails to hear the words of comfort Junmyeon whispers into his ear, crouching by his bedside. He fails to hear the doctor going on about the medical complications he had gone through.

How many days, or rather how many months he has been there, as a breathing corpse? The answer is there, on Junmyeon's face, his age telling him. It only scares Sehun more.

Is he still dreaming?

He wishes it is a dream. But it isn't.

There is Junmyeon in front of him, looking as if he's from the future and some doctor who he doesn't even know crying for him by his side, gently telling him that it is okay now.

No it's  _ not okay _ .

“How many days has it been?” He asks after awhile. The doctor had helped him to sit up. His muscles feel stiff and it’s really painful to move around. He spends a good ten minutes staring at his hands. They look different. But it doesn't scare him like the worried look on Junmyeon's face does. The Junmyeon who feels like a stranger to him. 

“Sehun-ah… I know it'll be hard to believe but—”

“How long have I been here?” Sehun repeats the question. The whole ordeal was unbelievable to even make sense.

“Se—" Junmyeon sighs when Sehun looks void of any emotions. It kills him to tell how many days have been robbed from him. "Nine years. It’s been nine years.”

"No."

"Sehun..." Junmyeon almost winces at how little of life is left in Sehun's eyes.

"Let the doctors check you, Sehun."

And he doesn't fight. He's tired. Until he remembers.

Sehun's insides churn when he realizes something. He snaps his eyes up at Junmyeon. "Where is dad?"

Junmyeon answers hastily, not to worry Sehun. "He's at work right now and he still doesn't know about you waking up. I am supposed to bring him here after explaining but I had to check upon you first. I will go to him after they finish checking you."

Sehun falls silent again. The doctor, whom Junmyeon called Baekhyun, is the one who takes the blood samples and asks Sehun if he feels hungry. If anything, Sehun feels nauseated. But he doesn't fight when Baekhyun insists on the nurse to bring food. 

When the food arrives, Junmyeon says he'll feed it to Sehun. Sehun still has to get used to that Junmyeon. He doesn't open his lips when the warm tip of the spoon holding hot soup approaches them.

"Eat," Junmyeon tries quietly. Baekhyun had told him how Sehun might act if he wakes up—that was five years ago. "I know this is hard to accept and we are not forcing you to believe this all... You should take your time," his voice is gentle as he remembers. That soothes his nerves. A little.

“I wanna sleep for a bit, hyung.” Is all he manages to speak. “What if everything is a terrible dream I am having? I have to wake up from this.”

Junmyeon looks pained as he listens to every word. “Sehun…”

“And when I wake up, I will write you a letter about this dream. You are gonna have a hell of a laugh.” Sehun tries again in case anyone is pulling a lame prank on him.

He hopes, he really does, that is a bad dream but it’s not. But nobody says anything.

“So this is all real, huh?” Sehun closes his eyes shut. No one answers him. They can’t. "I want to see dad."

Junmyeon comes back with Sehun's father, who rushes into the room to gather his son in his arms. Sehun becomes a crying mess, turning into a kid. Junmyeon stays beside them, the scene making him ache a little. But the pain he felt when his uncle crying for Sehun to wake up was worse than this. He realises what kind of miracle that his little cousin has woken up from that never ending sleep.

"My son," the father repeats in between his cries. "I knew you would wake up."

Sehun doesn't understand anything. He cries when he sees his father who is now older than he last saw of him. Old and tired.

"I was a burden for you, wasn't I?" He asks after an hour. His father has been telling him what happened after he had that accident; how he went into coma, how they moved to Seoul as Sehun needed better medical facilities, how his father had to sell their house to cover the hospital expenses. Before they moved to Seoul, the doctors gave the option of removing his life support in case they couldn’t afford the expenses. From this all Sehun could gather was how much of an inconvenience he had been to his father. he was the reason he had to work 10 hours a day. All because he had a son who might not even wake up. They should have just agreed to remove his life support. "It would have been easier for you if I had died."

The look on his father's face is agonising to see. His father looks hurt. It is Junmyeon who speaks on his behalf.

"How could you say that, Sehun?" He reprimands. He looks like he wants to say more as he opens his mouth, fuming, only to heave out a sigh, maybe to calm himself. Then he says, composed, "Just think about how he would have felt. He spends hours talking to you, telling you to wake up. And telling him that, won't it hurt him?"

Sehun doesn't speak after that as he avoids looking at anyone, but he feels their eyes on him. He hears a sigh from his father before he hears someone entering their room. It is the doctor, Baekhyun. He comes in with food as Sehun didn't eat the earlier one.

His father takes it as his responsibility to feed his son and Sehun doesn't fight this time. The warm tomato soup tastes heavenly. He meets eyes with his father who smiles at him.

"I am happy today, son. I'm so happy. Don't ever leave me alone like that." And everything feels more real. It hurts to admit it that it has gone, all those years, just like that, without even realising. But Sehun doesn't have any other choice but to accept that.

His father stays the rest of the day with him until he falls asleep.

~

The next day, before he fully wakes up, he hears someone talking.

"Don't be a crybaby now, love. At Least when he wakes up, tell him how happy you are." It's Baekhyun's voice. 

Someone's holding his hand.

"As if you didn't cry at all. I could hear you on the call, Baek." Sehun knows this voice too. He feels his hand being caressed. "No one has any idea how happy I am."

He's still half asleep but he can make out Chanyeol's voice. He hears Baekhyun laugh softly.

"Smother him with kisses when he wakes up, hm?"

"Oh I will," and Sehun feels a kiss on the backside of his hand. "I am gonna kidnap him for a week. Only us both."

"No way I will let— _ you woke him up! _ " Baekhyun finishes with a whisper and a soft gasp follows it.

Sehun stirs, waking fully. His eyes find the other's bigger ones, wider and redder. "Hyung," he mutters and sees how fast those eyes tear upon hearing that. Chanyeol had always been the emotional one who cried at the end of movies even if they weren't that sad. He and Jongin would feel sorry for those characters and Sehun would roll his eyes at the duo. They were both the most soft hearted friends he had. It isn't a big surprise for Sehun when the elder throws himself at him. Sehun doesn't know where he finds the strength to roll his eyes fondly when he hears the other cry.

"Don't cry, hyung. I am tired," Sehun says and it must be because he had just woken up or he had really accepted the fact that it's no use in crying. What has happened has happened. "I am hungry," he admits as he pats Chanyeol's back.

Chanyeol doesn't let go and Sehun feels his clothes getting wet with his tears. After a minute or so Chanyeol leans back and smiles so wide. Baekhyun watches this scene in silence, his heart getting warmer and he feels as if he would burst from the affection that fills him.

"I will go bring something for you both to eat," he announces as an excuse to leave them alone. He gets a smile from Chanyeol that conveys the other's words.  _ Thank you, love.  _ Baekhyun just nods at him meaningfully.

When Chanyeol looks back at Sehun, he catches the younger staring at him bemused, making him chuckle nervously. 

As the effect of sleep wears him off, Sehun observes how much his friend has changed. The person in front of him is so different from the lanky, clumsy boy he knows. This Chanyeol looks…muscled. “Why do you look so hunky?”

Chanyeol’s chuckle echoes throughout the quiet room and a smile finds its way to Sehun’s face. “That’s the first thing you are asking me?” 

Sehun looks down at their clasped hands. “You look different, hyung.”

It frightens Sehun—how they are all the only people he knows and how they look so different from what he remembers. Familiar yet so strange to him. He feels as if he’s being forced to accept everything he doesn’t understand.

Chanyeol holds his hand the same way he used to do whenever he had to assure Sehun. “I am still the same Chanyeol. I may have physical differences now but I am still the same hyung you know. Trust me on that one,” he smiles, although Sehun can see how he swallows hard. “We are all happy that you are back. That’s the only thing that matters now, Sehun… You will be okay. We will make sure of it.”

It doesn’t sound new. His father, Junmyeon and even Baekhyun told him the same thing using different words and gestures. He wouldn’t lie that he doesn’t feel calm when he hears that but it doesn’t obliterate the anxiety he has been feeling. A fear he can’t give a name to. 

They stay quiet for a few minutes, Chanyeol still holding Sehun’s hand, making sure he stays calm. He silently conveys that he will be there to answer his questions, to make him feel better about it. Sehun feels reassured. 

Sehun used to get tutored by Chanyeol’s elder sister when he was in middle school and that’s how he got to know Chanyeol. Despite their three years age gap, Chanyeol got close to him and even got comfortable around Jongin. In Sehun’s second year of high school Chanyeol had to move to Seoul as he got accepted into a prestigious law school. 

“You must be a lawyer already by now…” Sehun wonders and Chanyeol shakes his head while his smile grows wider. 

“I dropped out in my final year,” he answers, almost coolly as if it is normal for anyone to do. Chanyeol hadn’t been passionate about becoming an advocate but at the same time it doesn’t make sense to Sehun. Why would anyone drop out from a promising major? Chanyeol’s explanation follows after a soft chuckle. “Remember how everyone used to say I took good photos?”

Sehun stares at Chanyeol bemused as the latter waits for him to figure it out, with a grin. Sehun frowns. “You are not working in a photo studio or anything, right?” That makes Chanyeol snicker again. 

“No silly, I am a photographer now. One of the photojournalists in the channel Yoora’s been working; sometimes even wedding photography. I guess it took me time to figure out what my passion really was,” he explains and Sehun’s gaze once again finds their hands clasped together, intently watching how Chanyeol squeezes it when he falls silent again.

It has been nine years since everything went black for him. Things have changed. His father couldn’t move around fast like he always used to. He could see how his hair was greyer and how his age is evident in the wrinkles and his slightly trembling hands. His cousin is now a professor and his then girlfriend is now his wife. Sehun recalls how pleased Junmyeon looked when he told him that Sehun was uncle for two girls. 

Sehun is torn between so many feelings. Should he feel happy that they are doing well in life or should he give in to the heavy feeling that he isn’t aware of the things that have changed? And then there is that gnawing guilt inside. If only he hadn’t given them a hard time being a breathing corpse, they could have had an easier life. He has been a burden.

When Chanyeol calls for his attention, he blinks. Chanyeol repeats himself and the fond look in his face kind of pricks Sehun. “You are grown into a handsome man, Sehunnie.”

Sehun doesn’t how but he lets out a snort, surprising himself the most and gives Chanyeol a straight face before bursting out laughing with him. Unaware to himself, the heaviness he’s been feeling dwindles down—or rather it gets forgotten for awhile. 

“I look awful though. Pale. Skinny.” 

When they first showed him a mirror, Sehun almost couldn’t recognise himself. His chubby cheeks disappeared and his jaw got sharper and more defined. His reflection stared back eyes devoid of any emotions and Sehun had to close his eyes to stop the growing ache in his chest. He felt as if he would break the mirror down if he stares into it any longer.

“We can start working on that soon,” assures Chanyeol. “Baekhyun said that you will be starting physiotherapy in a couple of days and you might have to follow a regime too. Just listen to whatever he says and you will get out of here soon.”

Speaking of the doctor, something sparks inside Sehun’s head.

“Baekhyun,” Sehun furrows his eyebrows, thinking hard. “Is he a friend?”

Chanyeol’s look and smile grow softer on hearing that. “He is, surely. One of the neurologists assigned to you. He helped a lot to take care of you. He’s the one who was so sure about you waking up for the past week. He told me about the signs.” He lets go of his hand to pull the covers closer to Sehun. “He even asked for night shifts so that it would be easy for your father. In case you wake up.” 

Sehun thinks of how familiar Baekhyun’s touch felt. His voice. His gaze. They don’t feel strange. It almost feels unfair. “But I don’t know him.”

Before Chanyeol can answer, the door is being opened, revealing Baekhyun who brings two big plates with different contents in each. “I am back,” he grins when Sehun catches his eyes. 

  
  


Sehun stares at Baekhyun when he brings the spoon near his lips. Baekhyun just smiles as he raises his eyebrow in question, “you don’t like it?”

Sehun shakes his head and answers, “it is okay. I just wish I could…eat it by myself.”

“Just a few days. Then you’ll be able to do everything by yourself,” he says, taking the napkin to wipe at the corner of Sehun’s lips. When Sehun looks at Chanyeol, he’s already looking at him knowingly and nods his head. 

He later tells Sehun, “it’s okay if you don’t know him. It wouldn’t bother him. He's been by your side for the past five years wanting you to wake up as much as we did. He knows you, Sehun. That’s fine.”

Maybe.

  
  


~

  
  


The third week Junmyeon’s family visits Sehun. He is able to sit by himself as his physiotherapy has started and he’s glad that he could move around without much difficulty. Jieun and Naeun greet him shyly, with an identical Junmyeon-like smile and his sister-in-law hugs him out of affection. He has met her a couple of times already, back then. . 

Jieun, the youngest by two years, warms up to him almost immediately and even sits by his side. Whereas Naeun, being the shy and quiet one of them, sticks by her father’s side and only answers when Junmyeon insists on her to. They both are cute, a mixture of Junmyeon and his wife. It takes time for Naeun to come out of her shell and once she does, Sehun sees how much she resembles his cousin—the quiet but wise one when he starts talking. Naeun must take after her father a lot.  __

The more he looks at both of them, the more real everything becomes. They are kids of Junmyeon who cried a lot on the day he left for the military. For a brief second he wonders how happy Junmyeon must have felt when he got married, when he got to hold his first born. How would Sehun feel if he carried a baby Naeun? Would he have cried when he found tiny Junmyeon in her features? Before he knows, he feels his heart constricting at the thought. He could never see his nephews grow up. He could never hold his cousin’s newborns. Those moments had passed before he was even aware of. 

Junmyeon who is good at reading Sehun tells him it is okay. He tries to console him but no matter what, the ache is constant in Sehun’s chest. 

Chanyeol’s sister, Yoora, visits him on the same week. She even brings him his favourite bubble tea that gets Baekhyun’s approval after a long minute. Chanyeol drops by whenever he can and his cousin comes by at least twice a week. 

Baekhyun is a nice man. He is the same age as Chanyeol and he’s the one helping Sehun with all the physical exercises. He makes an effort to stay with Sehun whenever he’s awake and whenever he needs someone to talk to. Otherwise he would spend the time watching a drama that has new faces as protagonists. Baekhyun says that they are famous during this period. 

“When can I go home?” A question that always finds Baekhyun at random times; when Baekhyun eats with Sehun, when Sehun is doing his exercise, when Baekhyun asks if Sehun needs anything. Baekhyun would always smile and tell him to wait a little more. And Sehun would save that question to ask his father who would say the same. 

After the fifth week, when Baekhyun informs him about his visitors, Sehun would briefly hope that it’s that certain someone he has been waiting to see. Kim Jongin. 

He had expected his friend to come see him in the first week. No Jongin came. Not on the second week. Not on the third. Not even on the fourth week. Sehun is getting tired hoping. So he asks Chanyeol about him. That’s the first time he takes Jongin’s name after recovering from being comatose. 

“Where’s Jongin?”

Recognition flashes almost immediately on Chanyeol’s face and then it morphs into mild annoyance which soon hides into the elder’s façade. “Kim Jongin?”

How many Jongins does Chanyeol know? Sehun frowns but nonetheless gives him a nod. 

“The last time I saw him was before we moved you here. It’s a mess. We had a fight. A pretty bad one. I haven’t heard from him after that day.”

Sehun stares at him.  _ Last heard from him? _ Chanyeol has started it with a tone of annoyance but Sehun could hear the anger waver in his voice and it scares him. It causes confusion to both of them and Sehun doesn’t even process what he’s asking next. “Fight? You guys never did that…” Because both of them have the weakest hearts and it’s almost hilarious to hear that they both fought. 

At that question, Chanyeol spends a few seconds staring at nothing before snapping out of it only to frown. “Do you really wanna know now? We can talk about it later. When you get home.”

Sehun is quick to shake his head. “I want to know now, hyung.”

Chanyeol submits to the adamant glint in Sehun’s eyes that almost pleads with him. He sighs and raises his arm between them. He unbuttons the wrist button and pushes the shirt sleeve back and Sehun sees a scar. He brings his hand over and traces it.

“What is this?”

Chanyeol gives him a smile—a very silly one yet he sees how his eyes are sad—and says, “Jongin did this.” Sehun’s finger freezes midway the scar. 

“Jongin did this?” He asks in a whisper. He retracts his hand feeling mad all of sudden. “Why would he do anything like this?” He fumbles on the hem of his shirt repeatedly confused.

“Because we were trying to kill you,” Chanyeol chuckles as if it is something to be casual about, “or that’s how he saw that.”

“I-I don’t understand,” Sehun fists his shirt. 

Chanyeol grimaces, “I don't know if you are ready to hear this or not. I am just saying this just because you want me to.” 

Sehun doesn’t say anything. He just hopes that Jongin had a reason to hurt Chanyeol. He cannot afford to get angry at Jongin now.

“There was a point when the doctors thought it would be best if we—you know… your life support. And everyone thought there wasn’t any choice left too.” Sehun silently nods. Chanyeol’s voice wavers again, too obvious this time. “I had to be the one to tell him this and he couldn’t bear it. He broke down and he said he wanted to stop them. That you’ll wake up soon.”

Chanyeol wipes the fallen tear and continues, “I know how hard it must have been for him but he just… he didn’t want to go school until you woke up. He kept crying. He kept saying he’s responsible for what happened to you. No matter how much I tried to convince him to go home, he never did. But when he heard about the life support, he just lost it.”

Jongin had grabbed him by his collar and with rage burning in his eyes, asked Chanyeol,  _ “how could you people kill him like that?” _

“He didn’t even hear me. He just turned into another person. Just shouted and yelled. That’s when I realised something…” Chanyeol trails off looking up at Sehun in alarm. 

Sehun forgets he is holding his breath and his heart races when Chanyeol’s lips twitch in annoyance. Chanyeol goes silent, not knowing how to explain. 

“That he likes me?” Sehun says it aloud for him. And Chanyeol’s eyes widens at him in shock. 

“You knew?” He asks. 

Sehun scoffs lightly and again he doesn’t understand how he has the strength to do so. “He’s Jongin, of course I’d know.” After a pause, he adds, “He knew I knew.”

_ “Yes, I have been in love with him! All these years! I won’t let you people let him die!”  _

The elder remembers those words again and grimaces, not knowing how to feel. “You were okay with it?”

Sehun looks away, feeling icy needles grab his throat once again. “You can’t choose who you fall in love with.” 

Chanyeol exhales aloud, running his hand through his hair, messing it up. “I don’t know why but that made me mad. I started shouting too. I told him that it wasn’t only him who was hurting. I felt like Jongin only thought about himself. I acted on my emotions too. I told him he was being selfish. It broke him. That was so childish of me I know. But he could have thought once before smashing a vase into my arm.” 

Sehun gasps, “He did what?” It’s hard to imagine Jongin doing that.

“Anger does that to people, Sehun. He only saw you. It took me time to forgive him,” Chanyeol smiles again but this time there is fondness and Sehun could see the genuineness in his words. “And my words were harsh too, I have to admit.”

Sehun’s eyes fall on the scar at the same time Chanyeol stares at it. 

This time Chanyeol mumbles as if he’s telling more to himself than to Sehun. “Hope he forgives me too.”

Sehun hopes too. But where is Jongin? “You really didn’t hear anything about him?”

Chanyeol shakes his head as he covers the scar and buttoning his shirt sleeve. “No. His family wasn’t there where he lived. I tried to ask for his new address from students whom I knew from your year but there wasn’t any luck. You guys were only close to each other, in your own bubble. Maybe he moved out of Suncheon. Maybe he is still somewhere there and I couldn’t see. I just hoped to find him just to let him know that you are alive—“

“What are you guys talking about?” It is Baekhyun. They both didn’t even notice him getting in. He looks at them with genuine curiosity for which Chanyeol shrugs.

“Just about an old friend.”

Just an old friend. Is that what Jongin now in Sehun’s life?

That night he couldn’t fall asleep, he just hopes he stops crying but he can’t even control himself. He just cries till he sees that sun rise, announcing the birth of a brand new day. But for Sehun, it's just another weird day without seeing Jongin; it’s just another day where Sehun is dead to Jongin. He doesn’t say Jongin’s name again when he’s with Chanyeol.

Nor does he stop crying at random nights thinking about him.


	3. Two

It has been precisely a month since he came _home._ Not the home he always returned to, but a different one, a smaller one. A home they couldn't call their own. 

His father has been ecstatic about him returning home after years, out from the hell he has experienced. He animatedly showed Sehun the house and how to use things. Technology has taken a vast transformation over the years. Sehun couldn't close his mouth when Chanyeol taught him about his smartphone, where the phone did things just by hearing commands. He was beyond astonished.

He learnt that many things had changed. It wasn't Lee Myung-bak who was the president of South Korea. Moon Jae-in had won the elections a few years ago. And what made him frown a lot was, the bands they used to like aka 2ne1 and Kara don't make songs anymore. However, the new girl group songs Chanyeol showed him stayed in his mind for the whole week. What are their name? Everglow? Loona? They are good too.

Two weeks after he returns home, Junmyeon buys him a phone, despite Sehun's father insisting that he would buy it. Sehun doesn't use it other than looking up in Naver about things he doesn't understand, things he didn't know about. 

He looks up the name of his school and a facebook page shows how much it has changed; and what the students look like now. He looks up the CSAT results of the year he was supposed to take up those exams and he reads several articles about it. It takes him a moment to realise that he isn't seventeen anymore and it just makes the ache go numb. 

Other than that, he uses the phone to call his father when he's at work. Sometimes Junmyeon or Chanyeol when he's bored—Baekhyun too at times even though the doctor meets him every other week for their weekly therapy session. 

As each day passes, Sehun almost gets used to it. Almost. Except there are times when he wakes and has to think whether he's seventeen or almost thirty. He dreams about still being seventeen year a lot. He dreams a lot about Jongin too. But he doesn't think about it much. Jongin is still raw in his mind that a part of him stays adamant to believe that this had happened to him. It isn't like Jongin is anywhere near him so Sehun takes time thinking whether letting Jongin invade his mind is a good idea. 

(Though some nights _all_ he thinks about is Jongin.)

  
  
  
  


"You can work. Or better study," Junmyeon puts an emphasis in his words while Sehun starts frowning. "But you have to wait till you recuperate first. Three or four months. You have to rest properly."

Sehun looks at his reflection in the elevator. Sure he looks lean and pale. Baekhyun had told him to follow his regime to gain some weight but Sehun got tired of it after a couple of days and eats so little, much to everyone's disappointment. But no one pushes him.

Sehun might be twenty six now. But sometimes he does act like a teen. And others have to endure all of that as they know his condition. Sometimes it was frustrating to tell a grown man to finish his meal. Sehun would throw tantrums that he can't eat as if he's seventeen. 

But after sometime, he realised how patient they all are with him and he takes time to wonder how they aren't snapping at him. How can they? 

His father would smile at him when he voices out his concerns. "Don't think too much into it," he would say as if that's the easiest thing. 

Eventually Sehun got used to reminding himself that he's twenty six. Everyday. And that means he has to be responsible. He can't let his father bear all the work, can he?

But his father laughs at him during dinner when he hears that from Sehun. Sehun eyes how his hands shake under the table but he doesn't say anything. It's clear his father wouldn't take him seriously. 

So he asks Junmyeon, he lets him know. _I want to work._ Junmyeon gives him a funny look at first, something akin to how his father reacted and starts talking about why he shouldn't and how it's not the right time. 

The elevator door opens to let them out and Sehun shakes his thoughts away. For this, he has to stay stubborn. He's going to make them listen to him. 

Sehun stays silent after that. He doesn't want to take the argument further. It took so much time to convince him to let him visit Chanyeol. It is his birthday and Sehun had to call his cousin three times early in the morning to ask if he could drive him to his friend's place. 

_"I want to make up for the birthdays I missed,"_ He has told him and Junmyeon couldn't speak a word after that. 

  
  
  
  
  


Sehun shifts on his feet when he presses the doorbell. Chanyeol doesn't know that he'll be here. He just called him the other night purposely to pretend-talk as if he doesn't remember his birthday. He wants to see how Chanyeol would react after seeing him. Just the thought of it makes him buzz in excitement. 

After a few seconds, the door opens revealing someone Sehun doesn't expect. 

"Sehun!" Baekhyun exclaims, his eyes shining in mirth. He doesn't waste time to pull Sehun inside. "He didn't tell me you are coming."

Sehun composes himself from the initial surprise and gives him a smile. "He doesn't know," he mouths the words just in case Chanyeol pops out from somewhere. 

Baekhyun looks equally excited as him and clasps his hands together, eyes showing a glint. "This would be the great time to take out the cake! He's showering right now. Come here."

And for the next few minutes they work on lighting the candles on the chocolate truffle cake while Baekhyun animatedly chatters about how Chanyeol might faint in happiness. Sehun is just as curious.

They wait for Chanyeol to come out of his room and he does calling Baekhyun's name. He enters into the kitchen wearing a casual look until it morphs into sheer horror when they both start singing happy birthday. His hand flies to his chest and he darts his eyes at Baekhyun who stands beside Sehun with a proud smile. Chanyeol shakes his head slightly and a laugh bubbles up from his throat so contagious that the other two end up giggling too.

"This is the best birthday ever," Chanyeol says heartfelt after making a wish and cuts the cake. Fortunately they don't end up into a food fight because Chanyeol is still shaken by the surprise and Baekhyun just lets them talk for awhile as he disappears into the kitchen. 

"I can't believe you are here," Chanyeol repeats again causing Sehun to roll his eyes. 

"Don't be too touched. It was starting to feel stuffy. Your birthday was just an excuse." That doesn't falter the fond look in Chanyeol's face. 

  
  
  
  


It isn't until they settle at the dining table to eat breakfast that Sehun notices Baekhyun— _observes_ the doctor wearing an oversized shirt which Chanyeol had been wearing when he face-timed last week. 

_Chanyeol's shirt._

Sehun won't lie that he doesn't wonder about their relationship. Are they just friends? Or could they be more than friends? Like friends don't go around wearing each other's clothes or make them breakfasts, right? Maybe Sehun reads too much in between the lines, but he couldn't be wrong about the fleeting glances they throw at each other occasionally. Or the way they mimic each other's gestures without even being aware of it. 

Would it be okay if he just asks Chanyeol about it? 

"Hyung," he calls out for his attention when they clean up the table and makes sure Baekhyun is out of ear shot. "Can I ask something?"

Smiling, Chanyeol meets his eyes and nods curiously not knowing what's going to come his way. Nor is he ready for Sehun's question. 

"What's your relationship with Baekhyun?" Sehun makes sure he keeps his voice down. His senses spike up when Chanyeol looks completely taken aback, his mouth parting and his eyes darting towards the kitchen where Baekhyun is. Sehun quickly adds, "I think I have heard you call him _love._ When you came to see me that day." It has been a faint memory.

Chanyeol widens his eyes, looking past him and before Sehun could turn his head behind he hears Baekhyun muttering something as he goes into the kitchen again obviously having heard Sehun. Chanyeol clears his throat that makes Sehun look at him.

There is a nervous smile when he speaks. "I want to tell you about it" he says as he stands up, making his way to the kitchen, "but I must know if he is okay with this."

Sehun hears a series of comforting whispers from the kitchen that comes from Chanyeol. _It’s okay. He knows about me, right? Come on, he doesn’t mind._

When Chanyeol comes out of the kitchen, there is a small looking Baekhyun trailing behind him. Sehun's eyes fall on their intertwined hands as soon as they come into his line of sight. Baekhyun has his head down careful not to meet anyone's eyes. He looks frail unlike his usual confident self.

Even when Chanyeol makes him take the seat next to his, he obeys wordlessly. 

"I am sorry," Sehun says first, making Chanyeol look at him. "I was just curious. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," he adds, lowering his gaze when Baekhyun slowly raises his head.

"It's not your fault," he speaks in a quiet voice as if the truth makes him vulnerable. He inhales a deep breath before looking into the younger's eyes and musters up a weak smile. "My sexuality isn't well accepted by my family. Unlike his family. So it always makes me nervous when people know about...us."

Sehun couldn't ignore the hitch in his breathing. 

"Baekhyun… it's okay." He hears Chanyeol say and that's when he notices how Baekhyun's eyes glazes with the held in tears. 

"H-Hyung…" Sehun breathes. It's hard. It's hard to see Baekhyun. Baekhyun reminds him of himself. 

He places an arm around him, not noticing how bad they shake. Baekhyun kind of gets startled and Chanyeol just lets them. He knows Sehun. Sehun has been through this before, close friends coming out to him and he knows how to handle it. 

“It’s okay, hyung. I am glad it’s you who Chanyeol loves,” Sehun says after a while when they all get used to the ambiance. And Baekhyun looks grateful. Chanyeol just announces that it's time to celebrate because he loves this birthday. Then the three of them share a laugh. And a group hug. 

  
  
  


When Sehun is back at home, he thinks about what he really wanted to ask Chanyeol. About Jongin. But thinking about it again, he thinks he should tell him next time. He doesn’t know how Chanyeol would react if he tells him he saw Jongin. 

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Jongin appears one day.

It is an ordinary day where Sehun gets so bored and couldn’t decide what to watch. He keeps flipping through channels on the TV and settles on an advertising channel. They are showing around an apartment and interviewing people about something Sehun isn’t really interested in. Sehun sighs, bored, and opts to change the channel again because who would watch advertisements? But something stops him before he can press the remote button. 

His eyes widen and he lets out a gasp. In the TV screen, he sees his Jongin, who shakes hands with the director of the program. Sehun doesn’t know. He catches a glimpse of the name panel below that reads _Kim Jongin, Interior Designer._

The scene moves to the next one and Sehun searches for Jongin who is nowhere to be found. He watches the program for the rest of the day, hoping he will see him one more time. He doesn’t change even when his father tells him that he wants to watch the news channel. Jongin doesn’t show up. 

When he goes to bed, he pictures the smile he saw on Jongin’s face—calm and composed. 

_Finally an interior designer, huh?_

Jongin always wanted to take an interior design major in college, or engineering and there are countless days they spent talking about each other’s dreams. Sehun used to tell Jongin that he has no idea what he wants to be. Sehun still doesn’t. It’s almost ridiculous. 

Turning on his side, he stares at the clock that blares 12:42 at him. No matter how much he pushes his desire, he couldn’t help but be foolish. He wants to hear his voice. Jongin’s voice. Sighing, he decides to play with his phone till sleep finds him. 

However he ends up looking up interior designers in South Korea, scrolling the list up and down a few times until his eyes land on Jongin’s name. He learns that Jongin has graduated from _Hanyang_ university. And there’s even a phone number to contact him. It stays on his mind even after keeping the phone away and thinking about those figures, he falls asleep.

  
  


Two days later, he calls the number. 

His heart starts racing as if it didn’t beat for years. And he anticipates for someone, _for Jongin_ to pick up the phone. But it goes full ring and then cuts off. The disappointment doesn’t stop Sehun from trying again. He punches the numbers he knows by heart and calls again. 

The second time though, the ringing halts halfway and he hears someone breathe into the phone. _“Hello,”_ the voice he anticipates the most comes from the other side of the phone and makes him shiver down to his bones, _“sorry I was busy. Who is this?”_

“Jongin?” Sehun whispers faintly. It’s Jongin he’s speaking to and his heart beats fast scaring him. 

There’s no immediate response from the other side. After a few heartbeats, the response comes, _“Yes… This is Kim Jongin speaking. May I know who this is?”_

A laugh escapes Sehun’s lips, which in a matter of seconds turns into a sob. “Jongin.” With happiness comes pain and the way he feels when he hears Jongin’s voice soon becomes overwhelming. “Jongin,” he repeats again with a shaky voice, swallowing the growing ache around his throat.

The other line goes silent again making Sehun stop breathing in fear of Jongin hanging up. But he hears the hard breaths. _“Sehun?”_ His name comes in the same tone he called Jongin’s. And it kind of makes him feel better. 

_It makes everything more real._

_“You are…alive?”_ Asks Jongin and Sehun pushes his head back to the wall he’s leaning into. _“You—I thought… Is this real? I am not hearing things?”_

Sehun laughs aloud again. He’s talking to Jongin. After nine fucking years. So different from what seventeen year old thought it would be like. “Is this real indeed?”

Seventeen year old them wanted to stick together no matter what they do with life. Seventeen year old them wanted to chase their dreams and still have time to sing ‘ _just the way you are’_ together. Jongin wanted to be an interior designer. Sehun didn’t have anything in particular he wanted to be. Jongin wanted to tell the boy he loved about how he would stand against the whole world and Sehun wanted to be ready for the day when Jongin would tell him. Jongin wanted to win the silent war happening between them and Sehun wanted the same with the war happening within him. 

For some reason everything seems funny. How none of them would have expected this to happen. How Sehun had no idea he would wake up after nine years and how Jongin had no idea that Sehun is alive. That’s what makes Sehun laugh.

_“Sehun…”_ Jongin calls out. Sehun hums. It feels awkward now to talk to Jongin. He doesn’t know how Jongin is now. Who he is now. Is he still the Jongin he knows? 

There is only white noise for what feels like hours. “I missed you, Jongin.” He opts to say instead. He misses Jongin a lot. “I thought you would come to see me.”

Jongin doesn’t answer right away. _“I didn’t know, Sehun. I still don’t think this is real.”_

Sehun doesn’t either. Oh what they have become into. “It is. This is real.” Sehun tells Jongin and reassures himself at the same time. “I miss you so badly, Jongin.” _You can come now, can’t you?_ Sehun thinks as Jongin remains silent. He hears a rustling sound on the other side. He hears Jongin saying something inaudible to someone there. 

_“I am sorry Sehun… I have to go now. I will call you later.”_

Sehun smiles and it feels stiff. “Yes.”

_“Take care, okay?”_

“Yes,” Sehun repeats.

  
  


And the call ends with a buzz that keeps ringing into Sehun’s ears for the rest of the night.

  
  
  
  
  


Jongin never calls him after that. Nor does he answer Sehun’s calls. As if their call never happened. 

When Jongin comes into his life again, he comes with pain and with an ache that Sehun can’t bear with. It kills him everyday thinking that Jongin doesn’t want him anymore while he doesn’t even have time to move on from him. 

Sehun has expected Jongin to find him and run into his arms because that’s what his Jongin would do. Isn’t he happy that Sehun is alive? Is he mad at him for keeping him up for all these years? What’s Sehun’s fault even to be punished like this?

Sehun thinks he knows. 

It’s all Sehun’s fault after all. 

Sehun who has harboured feelings for Jongin ever since he knew what love is all about. 

Sehun who has been grateful that little Jongin helped him while he scraped his knee falling down in the park—that’s when they met first. 

Sehun who had asked Jongin to sing him _just the way you are_ because he loves his voice and that song was theirs and theirs alone.

Sehun who has been a coward to admit his feelings aloud, even to himself. He thought he would get over the ‘phase’. He thought he felt it because Jongin was so nice and so caring and so genuinely in love with him. 

Sehun who has given Jongin nothing but disappointment. 

Sehun who took Jongin’s will to wait too much for granted, taking so much time until it became too late. Of course, Jongin would be a fool if he is still waiting for him. More than anything, Sehun has been dead to him for nine years. 

It might be over for Jongin. And what scares Sehun is how that mere thought slowly kills him. 

Because everything reminds him of Jongin; from tteokbokki to sappy romance dramas; from the night sky that Jongin loved to his own reflection. 

  
  


Jongin always used to tell that he loved Sehun’s eyes. 

_Happy little crescents,_ he used to call them. Now Sehun hates how void they stare back at him. 

  
  
  


=== 

  
  
  


It was his birthday and he was kind of excited because he turned seventeen; Junmyeon had promised to buy him those new sneakers Sehun had been saving money up for. He decided that he should use that money to buy Jongin that same sneaker just to see that smug smile on his stupid friend’s face. He still hadn’t told him. 

They didn’t have school that day but still they made plans as usual—to meet at their special meet up place evening sharp at 6, which is the park where they first met when they were young. 

It had become an unspoken tradition to go to that park every year on both of their birthdays. They would give their presents there and would share a hug or two. The birthday hug had been their thing too. It wasn’t like they were shy of skinship. They weren’t. But something about that birthday hug—something so intimate, something so honest—would make them look forward to that. Silly love, it was.

But that seventeenth birthday, Sehun was afraid they wouldn’t get to meet that night. His father told him that they would be going to see his cousin as he would be enlisting in a few days. Sehun was torn between meeting his cousin who he cannot see for awhile and meeting Jongin. His friend had mentioned that he had prepared a special gift for him. 

The initial plan was to return home by five but Sehun’s aunt had been so persistent in making his brother stay for dinner. That’s when Sehun started sulking. Sehun had already texted Jongin not to wait, that he can’t come and asked him to go home. They could always meet the next day.

He forgot about Jongin for awhile when Junmyeon brought up his sneakers and the rest of the evening went well. On their way back home, Sehun checked his phone only to gape at his friend’s text.

  
  


He should have known. There was a text from Jongin two hours ago. 

_I will be waiting._

Sehun didn’t think twice before asking his father if he could go meet his friend and rushed in the direction of the park as soon as they got home. He had called his friend an idiot several times as he sprinted to the park hastily. As he got closer to the park, he couldn’t help but think. _Who would wait for two hours alone? It’s not like we can’t meet after this._ Even though it didn’t occur to him that he could have called his friend and asked if he was still there. He didn’t need to run like that. But still he did. Even if he had realised it, he wouldn’t have an answer for that. 

After all, he was an idiot too. 

And Jongin was there—making Sehun stop in his tracks; making him stop breathing for a moment. That second when Jongin’s eyes met his—the smile that grew on his face wasn’t helping at all—Sehun realised something. 

Even if Jongin didn’t know about Sehun’s inner conflicts, he had never once attempted to rush anything. No matter what it takes for Sehun to accept his feelings to himself, Jongin would wait for him. Jongin didn’t even have to say that. Sehun just knew that. And that made Sehun hopeful too. He hated how easy it seemed. Love wasn’t supposed to be that easy. 

Not their kind of love at least.

Jongin sprang into his feet and scurried to where Sehun was to lock him in a hug like he always did but Sehun couldn’t hug him back like he was supposed to. Not when he was giving in to his inner turmoil. Jongin must have sensed that. He pulled back to look into Sehun’s eyes only to find those glazed eyes staring back at him, lips quivering in worry.

“What’s wrong, Sehun?” Jongin asked. Sehun could only shake his head and the night breeze made it hard to hold in his tears. It was overwhelming. Jongin’s questioning gaze on him was overwhelming. He let Jongin stare into his eyes as long as he wanted; let him take the answers he wanted. Jongin did look like he had read Sehun’s heart when he pulled him in for another tight embrace and he made sure to bring Sehun’s arms around his waist. 

“Sehun-ah,” he breathed into his ears and Sehun felt the other’s voice reaching to the deepest corners of his heart—breaking all those walls Sehun has been building up to keep his feelings at bay—“it’s going to be okay.”

The possibility of Jongin being aware of his feelings already had been Sehun’s never ending nightmares. Because no, Jongin wasn’t supposed to be aware; not when Sehun wasn’t ready for that confession. He was the first one to break the hug and he quickly wiped his eyes so that Jongin wouldn’t catch him but it was a waste of effort anyway. 

“You okay?” Jongin asked with his hand still clutching Sehun’s sleeve, and when Sehun nodded, he nodded too. “Let’s go sit, shall we?” And like usual they sat in their respective swings, occasionally swinging while they talked.

“You should have gone home, you idiot.” Sehun smacked his friend’s arm. “Drama queen.”

“Aww, my Sehunnie is mad now?” he leaned in just to annoy Sehun for which Sehun smacked him even harder. “Ouch! Relax… I still have to show you my present.”

That piqued Sehun’s interest and he sat upright like a well behaved kid, waiting patiently for Jongin to take whatever he thought it was special to give Sehun on his birthday. 

When Jongin told him it was special, Sehun obviously expected something big but he couldn’t even help but throw the disbelieving look at his friend. A friendship bracelet, seriously?

“Seriously, Jongin?” He mocked when Jongin told him to extend his hand. Jongin gave him an eyeroll and took Sehun’s hand by himself to tie the colourful beady bracelet. 

“I made this,” he informed Sehun when he was examining it. It had tiny beads of various colours with no particular order and in the middle, there were circle beads with numbers on them. Sehun stared at it to figure out what those numbers were.




“Isn’t that your birthday?” He asked with a curious look. He didn’t know what Jongin was up to, who looked back at him with a silly smile. He saw his friend nod. “But why? It should have been mine? Why yours?” 

Jongin looked as if he asked the dumbest question, which Sehun did, and extended his own wrist where there was another similar bracelet. But that had a different set of numbers which Sehun realised was his birthday. “Because I have yours?”

It took awhile for Sehun to realise what it was. It was a couples’ thing lovers did. Jongin even brought it up once. Some sappy romantic drama stuff his sister was into. 

“Isn’t this pretty? I made this,” Jongin asked, bringing his hand near Sehun’s to compare the bracelets. They both looked almost the same. Sehun could only reply with a snort that was too fond to be a mock. “Happy birthday, Oh Sehun.”

Sehun’s heart raced when Jongin looked deep into his eyes. Everything Jongin did when it came to him was lovely—he was falling hard with his every gesture. Jongin, he made Sehun weak to the bones. And the thought of possibly hurting him scared Sehun. He didn’t want to hurt Jongin with or without being aware of it.

“Jongin,” he called out quietly for which Jongin hummed, while looking into his eyes. Sehun hated how intense those eyes were. It was filled with fondness, with so much affection and Sehun wondered if that was how he looked at Jongin. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He was being ambiguous with his words but Jongin understood what he meant. He looked taken aback for a brief second before flashing him a smile, trying his best to hide the hurt in his eyes. “I know, Sehun. You will never hurt me.”

Sehun exhaled a deep breath of air. Still he feels short of air. Jongin did that to him. “I want you to forget whatever that happens between us tonight.” His heart hammered against his chest as he took a few steps forward where Jongin stood. When he stood close enough, he placed his hand on Jongin’s chest to feel his heart going haywire same as his own. It made him feel a little better; a little braver. “Pretend as if this is a dream, Jongin. Please,” his voice wavered a bit causing Jongin to frown and catch Sehun by his wrist, their new bracelets colliding with each other. 

“You don’t have to do this,” he whispered. They hadn’t been that open about their feelings and Jongin didn’t want Sehun to force himself just because he felt bad for him. 

But Sehun didn’t pay attention to him. He cradled Jongin’s face and ran his thumb over his cheek, his eyes glazing. “I want to, Jongin. It’s unfair that only you get to…” he didn’t finish his sentence and Jongin leaned his forehead to meet Sehun’s. 

“You don’t have to,” Jongin repeated under his breath while looking into Sehun’s eyes and wrapping his arms around him.

Sehun shook his head and tipped his head forward so he can finally do what he was yearning for so long. He kissed Jongin softly and passionately. Jongin didn’t try to push him away. He warned him enough. So he basked in the love Sehun felt brave enough to express that night. He only pushed him away gently when Sehun started nibbling his lower lip. 

“I do,” Sehun said as he rested his head onto Jongin’s shoulder, hiding his face in shame. “I do need time, Jongin.”

Jongin answered him with a comforting silence. Then moments after, he asked, “you asked me why I waited for you, didn’t you?” Sehun thought the answer would be something silly to ease the tension because Jongin was that kind of person. The kind to make you forget your worries with his silly jokes. He really expected such an answer. Anything but the brutal honesty he got as an answer.  
  


The words Jongin said after that left him fall into deep abyss of guilt and remorse. A part of him started to hate Jongin too, for making him feel like that. But he was sorry too. Mostly sorry to himself. 

“These are the only times you don’t hesitate to hold me close, Sehun.” It was a whisper that the wind almost stole away from Jongin’s lips. Yet the words stole the night’s sleep. And of countless following nights. 

  
  


The next day though, Sehun acted as if that night never happened and Jongin pretended it was a dream just how Sehun wanted it to be. 


	4. Three

Something’s wrong. 

Baekhyun has always had this bad feeling lurking in his stomach when it came to Sehun’s monthly reports—because they are too normal. Almost as if Sehun didn’t spend nine years in coma. No after effects of being in coma whatsoever. No memories of being in coma either. When he asked Sehun, the younger told him that it felt like normal sleep or similar to a long dream where he remembered nothing. 

“There must be something, Sehun? Any dream or anything you felt when you woke up,” Baekhyun prompts, sitting across Sehun and Chanyeol. The previous day, he spent hours studying on the aftermath of waking up from coma but he found none in Sehun’s case. 

Shoulders slouched, Sehun just shakes his head. “I don’t remember anything, hyung. I just woke up. It did seem like a dreamless sleep.”

“Is it wrong, Baek?” Chanyeol interferes and gets a late shake of head as reply.

“I hope there isn’t any. Sehun is really a rare case I have seen. People who are in coma for years, usually tell weird things like what they have supposedly dreamt or they have envisioned during their sleep or things like how they woke up to a vision of their room burning up. They either wake up having a dream or they wake up hearing a blasting sound or voices,” Baekhyun explains. “Sehun might not have experienced this or he must not remember.”

Sehun thinks hard. What did he feel or see or hear when he woke up?

_ ‘Wake up, Sehun-ah.’ _

When he recalls it, his guts wrenches in an ache he couldn’t explain the reason for. It just hits so fast that he couldn’t even manage to suppress the sob that escapes his lips. It isn’t loud but it doesn’t pass the other two people’s notice and they panic when Sehun lets out another shaky sob.

“I-I remember…” he tells them. “I heard someone call my name. And he was crying.” His hands shake so bad as he looks into their worried eyes. “Jongin, he called me. That’s what I remember from waking up.”

Chanyeol tenses at the name but still recovers from it to walk to Sehun’s side to hold him up. He looks like he’ll crumble anytime soon. “Sehun, breath.”

Baekhyun asks if he’s ready to talk about him. He ignores Chanyeol’s curious look and smiles when Sehun meets his eyes. “You should talk to someone about him, Sehun. If not me, then at least Chanyeol. You can’t keep it in forever. There’s something bothering you.”

  1. Jongin. That call. Jongin. No calls. Missing. Jongin. 



And that’s when Sehun really breaks down. In front of someone. 

“Baekhyun, do something.” Chanyeol begs his lover when he sees how bad Sehun’s condition is. “I can’t bear to look—“ his words get cut off by Sehun.

“I love him,” he murmurs. Then raising his voice a little bit, he repeats, “I love Jongin.”

No one talks for a few seconds. Maybe due to shock or due to not knowing how to react. That’s what Sehun thinks. 

“You do?” Chanyeol asks, looking so confused. He then glances at Baekhyun who puts on a little comforting smile. “Why do I not know? How do you know?” He asks the last question to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun nods assuringly at Sehun, his eyes kind. The same sort of kind Sehun had in his eyes the other day. “I know… It’s hard to overlook it,” he throws a subtle smug smile at Chanyeol, who is still confused. “I even asked Chanyeol if he knows something but he said that’s not possible. But you didn’t stop calling his name in your dreams and there are times I have to pretend I didn’t notice you crying at nights which I assumed because you missed him. And you didn’t talk about him much. Humans tend not to talk much about a love that hurts.”

The whole room is silent and then the only sound they could hear for the next few minutes is Sehun crying his heart out. Baekhyun tells him to let it out. And when he feels okay enough to talk, he tells them about Jongin, how he loves him, how Jongin wanted to wait, how he was too late, the accident that was not supposed to happen and about the phone call he had with Jongin.

Chanyeol interrupts because it’s too much to take in. “You talked to him?!” Even Baekhyun looks surprised but he doesn’t ask anything, letting them two talk. Sehun nods once, looking down at his feet. “But how do you even know his number?” After a brief pause, voice concerned, he asks, “and how is he?”

Sehun tells him about the interior designer and how he found his number in a website and about the phone call after which Jongin didn’t call. “I think he hates me now. Or is displeased that I am alive.”

“You haven’t told any of this to me,” Chanyeol speaks up, looking too hurt. “Is this how much you guys trust me, both of you?” 

If only Sehun could tell him it’s not the trust he had on him but his own fears that ate up the little time he had. “It’s not that,” he says but no use that Chanyeol is sulking at him.

“No, don't talk to me… And let me tell you this for the first and last time that you both are the most stupid people I have ever known. You guys loved each other and knew about it, pretended like you didn’t just because you were afraid of coming out. One of you could have told me and I could have helped you both.”

“No, Chanyeol…” It’s Baekhyun. And he frowns. “It isn't the same for everyone. Just because it was easy for you doesn’t mean it’ll be easy for everyone else.” That brings a change in Chanyeol’s demeanour and he falls into deep thought. 

Sehun gets their short exchange because it seems like it isn’t the first time Chanyeol hears it from Baekhyun. It’s about them—how Chanyeol is not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeves and how Baekhyun’s nature contrasts it. That’s when he realises how Baekhyun and Chanyeol are no different than Jongin and himself. 

“Do you think if that accident hadn’t happened,” Sehun asks them both that cause them to stop their staring contest—where Baekhyun looked hurt and Chanyeol guilty and apologetic, “would we have been like you both?”

Would Sehun be still afraid to say ‘I love you’s’ aloud when Jongin would show it with his every gesture? Would Jongin hold him whenever he would doubt himself? 

Because he realises that he yearns for what they have. Even though it’s not perfect, there’s something so real about them. Something that would make them feel free. They don’t have the need to pretend to each other as long as they are true to themselves.  _ As if they can deal with anything if they are together.  _

Isn’t that what Jongin wanted? 

When both of the hyungs look so caught up in thought, he says something else too. 

“I want to see him once.” 

And Chanyeol promises without thinking twice.

  
  
  


That evening Baekhyun looks pale when he comes to talk to Chanyeol.

“Chanyeol, I want to talk about Sehun.”

“What about him?”

“Something’s wrong.”

What Baekhyun tells him feels like cold water poured into his face.

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Their park has changed a lot. There are hardly any toddlers playing around. Maybe because it's chilly. There are fewer people too. 

But their memories still linger there. And Sehun could see their young ghosts chasing each other. He thinks about their first time there. 

Young Jongin ran to Sehun with a worried frown when young Sehun fell down and scraped his knee. That young Jongin had treated his wound with his hanky after wetting it using his water bottle. “You should be careful next time!” Young Jongin had told him and young Sehun had nodded with watery eyes because that hurt a lot. Jongin had shared with him the cookies his mother made and Sehun told him that they studied at the same school. They became friends that evening.

That place makes him miss the other more. He wants to see him. To see how much he has grown up. Sehun wants to tell him that he’s okay now—that he hasn’t gone away. Or maybe tell him that he too was in love. Is it too much to ask? Is it?

“You are crying…” he hears a voice beside him. When he looks at the source of the voice, all he sees is a little boy sitting in the swing set, blinking curiously at him. A four year old little boy. With beautiful eyes that feels too homey.

  
  


“Oh…” is all Sehun managed to say. He isn’t even aware of the tears running down his cheeks. He quickly brushes the side of his thumb to wipe them. He feels kind of embarrassed when he catches the boy still staring. "I don't know why…"

  
  


The boy blinks in thought. “Are you thinking about something sad?” The boy asks. Sehun looks away. The memories are anything but sad. Painful but not sad. Except for the part where he had been a coward of his own feelings, he doesn’t regret anything. 

  
  


“Uh,” Sehun thinks of an answer, “not really... I was thinking about a time when I was… happy. Really happy.” 

The boy tilts his head as if he isn’t going to believe him. But then he speaks. 

“Then shouldn’t you smile if they are happy memories?” He blinks innocently and Sehun wishes he could answer that. He takes a proper look at the boy, tracing his feature attentively as the boy continues his ponderings. “My dad once told me that happy memories were supposed to make us happy even after a long time, because we should be thankful that they happened, and we should never be sad because that won’t happen again.”

Something changes in the way the boy looks at him. Maybe not. Maybe it is just Sehun again. But the boy feels like a certain someone.  _ His eyes _ —that honey brown familiar eyes.

“Wow—“ Sehun tells unaware of his shallow breaths, “you are really smart, little boy. How old are you?”

The boy grins wide on hearing that. The way Chanyeol does sometimes but he doesn’t look like him. “Four."

Sehun watches the boy looking far away somewhere and then looks back at him. He then leans closer and whispers, “tell mom that I am smart so she'd stop making me eat veggies. I hate them."

Sehun chuckles, shaking his head, “but you should eat them well to grow up big.”

The boy pouts. Maybe all the elders have insisted the same about veggies that he had grown tired of that argument. He changes the subject. “See the sky. Isn’t it pretty?”

“Yes, so pretty.” Sehun says without missing a beat. His breath hitches when he realises it. 

“My dad always says that,” says the boy but Sehun could only hear how loud his heartbeats are getting. “Mom told me that’s where people go when they get too hurt. We send them off to the sky where they can be happy and where they can’t get hurt anymore.”

For a four year old, the boy sounds too wise and mature. And agonisingly familiar. The way he talks through puckered lips. 

  
  


“My dad,” there is a drop in the boy’s tone, at the same time, his shoulders droops too. “Last year, I sent him off.”

Sometimes life is unfair. 

Sehun glances down at the polaroid he's been holding. It's Jongin holding his little son, with a smile too bright to look without tears.

  
  


_ "Sehun seeing Jongin, Sehun talking to him on the phone—they aren't real, Chanyeol. I just realised that your friend Jongin is the same one as one of my juniors in the medical school. Because I saw the photos Sehun showed me. And the last I heard of him was about the accident that killed him. He's dead."  _

  
  


What kind of agony is that? To have someone you love live the rest of his life thinking you are dead and when you find him, he's already gone and you have to live the rest of your life without him. Fate is really being dirty with them, isn't it? And Sehun has been the victim of fate, making him almost go deranged to the extent he starts seeing things—seeing Jongin who isn't real. 

Now he’s sitting with his son. 

“My dad said he likes this place and he brought me here my last birthday. He said he would take me again this birthday.” He ends the sentence in a quiet whine.

Then the boy goes silent as If he doesn't know what to say anymore. He looks at Sehun who has gone silent and who keeps staring at a smiling Jongin.

“Don’t you miss him?” is what Sehun asks the little boy.

The boy nods his head, “I do. I miss him and the stories he’d tell me. But mom says he’ll be free from any pain.” He looks at the picture Sehun’s holding and he wonders aloud, “Do you miss your friend?”

If only Sehun could tell the little boy that his father had been more than a friend for him— _ his everything.  _

“A lot,” he says instead. The words are so difficult to speak and there is this pain, oh the pain he can’t seem to put off. “I miss him everyday.”

“Then he must be watching over you too. The people who are gone are don’t really leave us but they watch over us when we miss them too much,” says the boy, voice so like little Jongin and how could Sehun erase that voice from his mind? 

Sehun looks up at the sky once again. Is Jongin really looking at them right now? If yes, then does he know? Does he know how Sehun almost went crazy missing him? Does he? 

“I am sorry,” he whispers a little loud that the other hears. 

“Why are you sorry for?” There is this innocent curiosity in his voice, once again reminding him of Jongin. Jongin is always curious too.

He’s sorry for so many things. He doesn’t have it in him to list them down. 

But the boy speaks again, “my father is very kind and if you did anything bad to him, he would have already forgiven you.”

Sehun’s eyes blur again with the tears but he lets out a chuckle, a fond and real one. Because how true it is. It’s so Jongin. The boy is really something. It feels like he has gone back in time and is talking to the Jongin he first met. “You are so like your father.”

The boy flashes Jongin-like grin at this, “Everyone says that.”

This time the smile on his face stays as he watches the boy, his eyes tracing every bit of Jongin he can. His phone buzzes and he sighs when he sees Chanyeol’s text.

  
  


_ It’s time. His mom is waiting. _

Oh, it’s time already.

“Yeongin,” he calls the boy’s name for the first time since that day and when the boy returns an obeying smile, he realises how familiar the boy’s name tastes in his mouth. “We have to go back.”

The boy’s smile turns upside down and it tugs Sehun’s heart, in a fond kind of way. “Already?”

Sehun stands up on his feet and waits for the boy to do the same. “We’ll meet again soon.”

“Really?” The boy’s eyes light up.

“Yes,” Sehun promises and extends his hand for the boy to hold it. With that small hand enclosed in his, he doesn’t feel so far from Jongin.

Maybe Jongin never really left him.

  
  
  
  


~

  
  
  


After meeting Jongin's little family, Sehun is sure about one thing.

Jongin had lived well. 

He had studied well and had been a successful doctor. He did want to be an engineer or an interior designer but from what Chanyeol had enquired, it seemed like Jongin changed his mind after the accident. He wanted to be a neurosurgeon. And he had been working hard for it. 

He had married someone and Yeongin has been a fruit of their love. His wife was so pretty—someone that suited Jongin's charms. And the love in her eyes when she took Jongin's name was so raw and pure that Sehun couldn't even look away. 

Jongin had lived even if Sehun was dead to him.

That's what Sehun wants to believe. That's what he wants to think because he really hopes that Jongin had lived his life to the fullest and that he didn't have any regrets. A foolish hope regarding that it's Jongin he's thinking about. But still there is a voice inside that tells Sehun it's had been okay and it'll be okay from now on too.

He decides to live well too. Because that is what Jongin might want for him too.


	5. Epilogue

There is this tingling sensation in his heart as he fidgets after pressing the doorbell and it doesn't take so long for his little friend to open the door, with a very excited grin and even more excited shout for his mom that _Sehun's here!_

Yeongin calls him Sehun. He used to call him uncle Oh but when he once playfully called him by his name, it just felt so right that Sehun insisted him to call by his name. It's a little bit of Jongin he is adamant of not letting go. 

"You are late!" Complains Yeongin and Sehun only notices how much taller he has grown from last time they saw each other. It has been five years since he met Yeongin and now Yeongin is nine years old. 

"For what? Five minutes?" Sehun teases him and raises his hand in which he holds a bag full of oranges. "Where's mom?"

Yeongin rushes inside with the oranges. "She's in the kitchen baking cookies and you can greet her when we come back." And he comes back, wearing his favourite hoodie and all set for their visit to the park. 

"Alright kiddo, then shall we?" Sehun asks, extending his hand. And with a bright and excited smile, Yeongin holds it. 

  
  
  


Every two or three months, Sehun will visit Yeongin. They will just hang out and if they have time, Sehun will drive them to their park. Once Yeongin asked him if they could go visit his father but Sehun's heart felt too broken to even respond vocally. He hoped he wasn't being rude refusing it. But Yeongin understood him. Sehun felt ashamed that he couldn't even come up with an excuse for it. 

It isn't like he didn't want to. But again, it would make everything real.

He's keeping his promise though. A promise he made to himself. To live well. 

With Junmyeon's help, he has been studying again. When the question of what to do arose, the first two things that popped into his mind were Jongin and interior designing. He completed his three year course and had been working with a nice pay. His father stopped going to work upon his request. 

Jongin would be proud of him, wouldn't he?

Sehun is happy for Chanyeol and Baekhyun who are now living together and to think that it’s Junmyeon who helped them in finding a house. Junmyeon accepted the news with a genuine smile and when Sehun later asked about it, he said that his perspective had changed and that he himself had helped few students who were homosexual. Sehun had confessed that he had loved a boy once too and Junmyeon’s smile had stayed affectionate.

  
  
  
  


The sky blazes blue as the late summer winds feels so warm on his skin. Yeongin has been so talkative about his piano lessons and even promised to play for Sehun next time. He shows him his new paintings too.

Sehun ruffles the boy's already wild hair, thanks to their small run and chase and asks what they shall do next.

Usually Yeongin would think about what they could have fun but this time, he doesn't miss a beat in answering. "We talk."

"Talk?" Sehun asks, chuckling. 

For that Yeongin nods determined before showing his wrist, "do you remember this?" 

Sehun's breath halts short and everything stops when he finally sees it. The bracelet. The one with his birthday. Jongin's.

When he looks up at the little boy's eyes, his eyes are wet. And Yeongin doesn't miss it. He fishes out something from his hoodie pocket and places it in Sehun's lap along with the one in his wrist.

Their bracelets.

Sehun's head spins while his heart constricts. His hands shake as he takes them in his hand. 

"H-How… did you find this?" He whispers and his voice breaks way too much. 

Yeongin gives him a kind look. And holds his hand. "In my father's cabinet where he kept his stuff. Mom didn't want to look into it as dad told her once not to. But one day, I wanted to know about dad." Pain flashes for a brief moment in his face and Sehun feels broken all over again.

"I thought there's something about him more than my mother knew. More than you tell about him. Because you don't tell much about him. I can see how his name hurts you. How my face reminds you of him."

Suddenly Yeongin isn't nine anymore. 

"The way you look when you talk about him… I haven't seen anyone missing my father that much that they hurt themselves. Not even mom. I just wanted to know."

Sehun cannot look into the boy's eyes anymore. He looks away. "What do you know?"

Yeongin doesn't even hesitate to answer. "There was a journal that he wrote when he was young. He wrote about his first love."

_First love,_ what a bittersweet word. 

Sehun doesn't want to listen to him. "W-What do you know?" 

"Don't you know?" Yeongin asks him and Sehun doesn't even know if he's talking to Yeongin or his father. They both have this annoying way of cornering him. 

"I don't want to know," hisses Sehun. 

Yeongin just laughs. "Can we go to the arcade then?"

Just like Jongin. Annoying yet adorable.

Sehun's not even mad anymore.

  
  
  


"Don't let mom know about this," it's Sehun that brings the topic up. "It's a story from the past."

Yeongin doesn't forget to nod even while throwing the basketball into the hoop, "deal sealed if you buy an extra ice cream."

Yeongin knows that there's a 90% chance that his mother already knows about this and that's her secret to keep. His mother doesn't resent Sehun or anything. After all, they loved the same person so Yeongin thinks she understands Sehun's pain.

"Okay boy, I'll buy," Sehun promises. After few more balls fall into the hoop without a single miss, Yeongin stops. 

"Why aren't you letting him go?" Yeongin asks so out of the blue, taking Sehun aback. 

It is a question Sehun can't answer. An answer he doesn't have. Because he doesn't know why he can't let go of Jongin. Isn't that why he's making efforts to spend time with Yeongin as much as he can? He wants to hold onto things that are Jongin. The interior designing degree. The park. Everything that is Jongin.

And how could he tell anyone about how it is Jongin that isn't letting him go? How could he tell that he still sometimes sees Jongin's ghost when he misses him too much to stay sane? He still listens to their song and all he hears his Jongin's voice singing that. How could he let go of something that was once his everything so easily?

"I don't know…" Sehun answers because that's what feels most honest to him. 

Yeongin looks at him as if he's trying to get something more and his eyes are hopeful reminding him of someone. But sadly that's all Sehun could give him. 

At the end, Yeongin sighs. "Sehun, think about what my father would have wanted you to do. He found someone to love as time went on. Why can't you try?"

"I don't want to," Sehun says again, weakly.

"Why?" 

"Because I still love him." 

And Yeongin drops the talk. He thinks he's not old enough for Sehun to listen to.

But at the end of the day, when they part their ways, Yeongin makes sure to tell him something. "Thank you for loving him, Sehun. Even if you didn't say it aloud, you made sure to show him. My father knew he was loved. And that makes me happy. My father is lucky because there are two people who love him the most. And I hope you find someone to love too. Because you deserve to love again. My father would want that."

The little boy's words would stay with him for the rest of his life. 

Sehun promises he’ll try.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And did you get what 

you wanted from this life, even so?

_I did._

And what did you want?

_To call myself beloved,_

_to feel myself beloved on this earth._

- **Late Fragment, Raymond Carver**.

  
  
  
  
  


**Fin.**


End file.
